Here He sensed the need to have a confrontation, dialogue with the supreme.
Everyday life so far has been a real comfort with respect to basic necessities of life that is food, shelter, clothes, other worldly comforts, music gear & musical instruments, vehicles, some money for unreasonable expenditures. He felt blessed yet He knew He haven’t earned it at all. It is certainly not a fruit of his efforts and engagements with the world. He never saved money, He haven’t professionally worked since last 4 years or so. He managed to live this beautiful life full of abundance by the grace of His Guru, either with his father’s hard earned money, his credit card or with the help of his real brother who has been producer, provider for all the equipment He ever required to create or produce music. And of course with loving help from his good close friends. Having it all, he did try. To put it in his words, “I did justice to all the music that can happen through me, spent all my time with the thoughts of music and exploring various musical & sound possibilities.” But He never did put efforts in producing music. He always dreamed of doing it though, of having an authentic record label, and producing timeless music. He have left it to the wish of Bholenath if at all it can happen through him. Universe has his plans.
He would say, “Universe has given me so much it made me think every time of a single doubt ‘Do I deserve this!’ or is it like it’s the fruit of past life karmas that I am being extravagant to spend it all for my self justified pleasures. It’s been a long while, I haven’t been putting any efforts to make things happen, I have lost the equation of deciding on something and doing it. I have been just riding the wave and I loved my life regardless of any judgement. Is it being shameless and to run away from responsibilities! It is exactly that and to add to it, it’s a mind trip that feeds the inertia. What to do! What to say! Where to go! Whom to talk to!”
Of Course with His Guru the supreme self.
He has nothing to say to this world or nothing to hear from the world as well. In most of the situations He finds himself out of place with a sense of disconnect from the situation he is in, while he is around life. “But in the lap of my mother nature I feel love.“, He often would express.
He shared all that is happening within, “Anyway this dialogue is to figure out little guidelines with which life is to be lived, for me. Irrespective of the situation or phase I am in, few things those have just become part of my physical life activity, like watching sunrise & sunset, moon bathing, swimming, music listening, singing, spending time with musical instruments, reading, writing, daily chores like cooking, cleaning, watering the plants, cleansing of the self. Though I love my everyday life and I happen to seamlessly fit in this joyful existence here, I could not earn it all. All of the above doesn’t fetch me any money or life fuel for the mundane worldly world, in fact I end up spending all that which is not even mine or earned by me. My issue is not this though, my issue with myself is that I am just looking for that little opening from the world around and within, that little opening to participate in this world doing justice to its grace. Doing something or anything that is truth, peace, love bound. It does no harm to anyone, specially to my mother nature, her life-forms and humanity. Something small or big which will put a joyous smile on the face of my Hari Hara. What could be that? How can it happen?”
“It is required to happen just because I see there is no turning back from here. I have wandered too far to even think of going back and I sense my Guru’s presence somewhere nearby. It makes my eyes watery and then I sing Bhajans. The real Solace.”
Life is such. Such is life. Is life such !?
12 April 2017, Wednesday.